The Pleasure of a Long Bus Trip in South America (part I)

I have briefly mentioned long bus journeys on other posts. However, it is such an integral part of any trip to South America to learn Spanish or to see the world that it is worth giving you a step by step guide to this most magical experience.
Step 1 - Buy a Ticket
You think this is the easy bit, don’t you? Every bus station I have seen here has brightly coloured kiosks for the different bus companies. They will all have big signs with details of where they go to, but here’s the clever bit; the signs are usually wrong. I don’t know how many times I have stood under a giant sign saying, for example, “Oran” and asked for a ticket to Oran. The person working there will look at me as though I just asked for a return ticket to Mars and will tell me that they don’t go there, never have done and never will. Once you learn Spanish it is important that you learn how to spell your name for the ticket seller as well, as I have been given tickets for “Roberth”, “Roubet” and, bizarrely, “Hovreth”.
Step 2- Wait
This is where the fun starts in earnest. South American bus stations are always crowded, edgy places full of nervous travellers like you and me. As the clock ticks past the departure time you will ask several times about your bus and be told that it is in “Iscayachi” or somewhere else which means absolutely nothing to you.