What Language Do They Speak in Heaven & Hell?

Have you ever wondered what Heaven and Hell look like? Be honest, you would really like to know what God’s place looks like but you have a sneaking suspicion that you might end up keeping the chap with the fork company for, well, eternity really.

However, even if you have managed to picture rows of angels playing harps or little devils stabbing your bottom all day long you might not have considered an even more pressing question; what language do they speak in these places? After all, how are you going to be able to ask your hosts for another cup of ambrosia or plead with them to stop roasting your private parts if you can’t communicate? Will there be a reverse Tower of Babel type situation or will we all need to use a lingua franca?

Latin in Heaven?

I must confess that my first thought was that they probably speak Latin in Heaven. I don’t know why, but I guess it just seemed right that the priests would be able to finally use the language all day long rather than only during mass. This got me thinking about whether priests speak Latin among themselves but we’ll leave that question for another day. So, do they speak Latin in Heaven? I eventually decided that this probably isn’t the case, because I had a vision (it may have been an epiphany really) which showed me what they really speak there.

Bonsoir Saint Pierre Mon Ami

Yes, I have come round to the conclusion that up in the sky everyone speaks French. It makes sense when you think about it. It is the language of love, everyone likes how it sounds and the Canadians I’ve met have all been pretty decent people. When God had to make a decision on what everyone would speak in Heaven I can imagine him giving the Gallic language the nod. The only problem if I ever meet St Peter is that my schoolboy French is only going to allow me to ask him how much a kilo of bananas costs and at what time the train station closes. Still, I’ll have plenty of time to brush up on my skills.

A Silent Hell?

Clearly, they speak a pretty terrifying tongue in the Devil’s house of torture and punishment. What language terrifies you the most? In my case I kind of quiver whenever I hear someone speak Russian but I can’t imagine the Devil speaking like Dostoevsky for some reason. Then it struck me; no one speaks in Hell. What could be more terrifying than living somewhere with no spoken language?  Still, at least this means that I won’t need to search out that old school textbook with endless stories about what Dider and Colette bought down at the marché.

What languages can you imagine being spoken in Heaven and Hell?